Hemptons Hell

It's official, I've now been to the The Hamptons and let me tell you: it's exactly like that hellish episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte gets crabs.

My mother-in-law wanted to have all us "kids" gathered for shits and giggles at a "fabulous summer rental I found online!"

So let's explore some myths and realities shall we? Let's call this a game of Puff Daddy vs. in-law reality. (Yes, I am aware that it's Diddy, but can you blame a girl for clinging to a pre-recession, golden-age, white-party past???)

Myth: "It's such a beautiful drive!"

Reality: 176 hours in the car will suck the beauty out of anything.

Myth: "The cleaning crew just left."

Reality: Cobwebs as dated as Fendi Baguettes, bugs the size of New York City rats and a kitchen floor so dirty, my white page jeans are still black on the bottom--after two clorox intensive washes.

Myth: "Everyone should pitch in and make dinner one night."

Reality: A refrigerator so inept at keeping things cool and dry that my crisp greens emerged soaked. Oh and that pasta didn't have sauce when it went in there. Really the fridge should be rechristened THE LAGOON.

Myth: "There's a gorgeous ocean breeze."

Reality: It was so fucking hot and humid I briefly considered hiding in THE LAGOON.

Myth: "There are three full baths in the house."

Reality: The only shower worth considering was the sun shower. If you know me, you know I don't do anything outside.

Myth: "Everyone here is so relaxed and the kids are having a great time."

Reality: The children, including the baby, were allowed to eat things off the aforementioned floor, had dirt under their nails that was never washed off, and felt the need to stick their grimy fingers into every possible bag of chips, bowl of snacks and item of food.

Oh and one last anecdote I must share: While eating on the patio, my brother-in-law was to busy focusing on eating his steamed shellfish ("my favorite food everrrrr") to notice that his naked, filthy toddler was crawling toward a chicken bone that had been there for at least two days (that I could count), and which was covered in swarming flies.

His reaction? "Oh," reaching over for more grub before exclaiming: "That's not a good idea."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

June